Hi all! :D

One hour ago I was eating lunch with my physic girl. She said I complain to about the food. I noticed, she was right. I am complaining about a lot of things without recognizing that I am denigrating. I should try to feel more confident about with the things I get from life. Although not everything will be great, I should stop complaining about every single thing, I don't like.

Oh and I should improve my english. It sounds very german. I can understand english texts very well, but writing english texts is difficult for me. Also speaking english is very difficult for me, or at least I can understand it much better then talking in it. I need to get something to improve my english. Lets see if I can get something to improve my english.

See you all someday,

XOXO

one year ago...

Yeah, one ear ago was the time when I nearly had a "girlfriend". I don't want to talk too much about it now. I am writing this post because I am bored, really bored.

Well, . . . I don't know what I should write. I made some friends in the last weeks. A lot of friends for my conditions. I have to keep those friendships up. Whatever . . . Two das ago I visited my dying grandpa. He was nearly dead, he was too weak to move anything of his body, but his eyes. He looked horrible. I know the doctors gave him strong painkillers. I don't know what he is feeling, but maybe this isn't the worst death.

I am not here to write stuff about my grandpa. I still feel lonely, like yesterday there was no one to speak to, well but today I had someone I could talk a lot with. I don't know. If anyone would even read this, I would keep it up, but I am just to tired of everything. I don't know what I will do next. Mabe I am going to watch a film... whatever

XOXO

31.July 2012

Hey all,

I know this forum isn't the best place for this post, but I just wanted to talk to someone and tell someone how I feel.

It was a pretty busy day for me. I talked a lot to other people ( 2 persons). But when I came home today I felt so down and depressed. I don't know why, but somehow I lost interest in life. Every second day I feel so depressed for no particular reason. I don't think I am depressed or suffer from an other brain illness, its just that I put my life in a state where I disconnected absolutely from reality, from others, from everything. I am learning and studying now for about 3 weeks every day and night. I have no plans for my holidays. I really need new clothes, but I just got no time to buy some, because I have to learn. Always so busy learning, but my grades are pretty worse, although I passed every exam by now.

A funny thing is, that my life improved in the last weeks, I found one or two friends ( I had nearly no one the last half year). I have a new hobby (inline-skating) and I am not crieng anymore so often, because of the rejection of my love. But still, I don't feel happiness, when someone makes a joke I laugh, of course. But I can feel a sadness in me that doesn't fades away. Every second day I am feeling so blue. I know that a relationship could help me, but I am afraid of showing myself to others. One reason is my low self esteem. the other one is that I never had a partner. Although I am 20 years old. Honestly, I think I can't handle a real relationship, I just have no experience on this field. Yeah whatever.

Somedays ago I read an interesting quote:"Note sure if I am depressed or just grew up". Maybe I just grew up! Maybe I am having a adult view of the world now. Maybe thats the thing that makes me depressed and feeling lonesome. I don't know. But I know that this feeling isn't going to disappear in the next weeks. I just move on and try to give my best in exams and try to be nice to the people around me ( at someday I would like to just hurt everyone)

 P.S. I know this post isn't about suicide and don't matches in this forum, but someone will read this, I know. And I have no one else to talk to about this, I am sorry if someone feels offended in any way. Sorry ofr my bad grammar and writing, but Thanks a lot for reading! =)

Hey there,

I have no antipathy against other people, thats wrong! Sometimes I need some time on my own, but most times I like to be around others. Today I nearly had relapse. I am now "sober" for one week, but I don't know how to count what I did today. I want to look in the mirror! So I keep on fighting against my addiction.
The Exams started and I should better learn, instead of writing this, but I need this now so badly.

One Year ago, 365 days, I flew with my love to Australia! Its now exactly one year ago. I wish this day is fast over. Damn .... I looked at a photo of her, and I cried. I don't know why I cried, something is wrong, terrible wrong. I know she doesn't cares anymore, she doesnt give a f**k about me. But its OK. Yesterday I was in a pub with a friend from inline skating  and it was fun. I have people around me! I am not totally alone! I need someone I can care of.

One year ago, all was fine, at least it seemed to be fine.

What have I done....?

Its a cloudy day

In the last time I started to dislike other people, or at least my antipathy against humans got stronger. I am feeling like there is no one out there who is worthy to know. People around me are so unsteady, today one of my colleagues decided to study something else, because she didn't passed the math exam. So another human being left my life although I barely had anything to do with her. I can't see a reason to spend time with others. Of course there are a few guys I always liked to be with, for example my brother or my love or my best friend from my childhood.  But when I can't stand spending a lot time with them because they start to annoy me after a longer time. So there isn't someone out there worth living for. I am not suicidal, live can be beautiful without people, not for me but for others maybe. I never wanted to be the "sadmen", but thats what I am now. The lonely sad guy no one likes to be with, but I don't like the others too, although I am suffering from this crap.

My love was in the bus that took me home. She is one of the people who can make me feel strong and alive, but when I walked out of the bus, she looked in my direction, smiled and instantly walked away although she must have seen me. People are cruel. I don't like them. I hate them for their behavior and love them for being so "human".

I am still suffering from my "addiction" and it is making me angry. In the morning I thought I can't look in the mirror anymore. I was never pleased with anything I ever did. I am not fighting for something in my life. I would like to fight for a human, a poor child, a sweet girl, a homeless men, or a drug addicted, just someone I could take care of, but as long as I am not caring for myself, I can't take the responsibility to care for others. I dont know what I want, my life lost its sense, I am feeling like a zombie. (I am just fighting to stay at university and try to pass all exams barely. But thats not me, that isn't one of my desires. I just have no other perspective in life then graduating from university)

Times like these

I hate times like these, when nothing is working right.

When I woke  up today I felt so great, during the day I felt more worse, just worse. I can't imagine what had happened. People stopped greeting me, nearly everyone avoids me. Its a funny thing, now. I used to think that I am lonely in my school time, but now I am really lonely. The more people avoid me the more I am thinking about why no one talks to me. Yeah I know, because I never started a real conversation with someone. It isn't easy to talk with me, I have nearly no hobbies and my humor is strange. Yesterday, I read an article where other people searched for others for friendship, relationship, "sex"-relationship and some more. I wanted to reply to some of them, but then I recognized that I don't really want this. I don't want a stranger to go out with or go shopping or to chill in the park. I want someone I already know, someone I know. Unfortunately I am surrounded by strangers. And I also thought about the time. I have no time to go out, of course if I want to have free time I can take some if I want. But I won't take free time for strangers, because this would be probably a waste of time. Someone to hang out with, should be in my course of studies. But at the moment my colleagues are treating me like a ghost, so no use in trying to connect. Eventually I am tired of thinking how lonely I am and why people are avoiding me.

I am alone now and thats it. I don't want to ask myself anymore why. I will try to take life how it is. No worries about others , because their are no others. Maybe I am feeling more free. Maybe this text is just crap.

At the moment I am working on some stuff for computer science, but I my skills are small and I am scared of exams, really scared. Must keep on working on stuff I barely understand. That is university for me. Working alone on stuff I don't understand.

Now a little bit about you, my loved one. I saw you today and I waved to you, you waved back and smiled. You were waiting on your math test. I really thought about coming over to you and wish you good luck. But I preferred to walk to my next lectures. Well, I am removing myself from you more and more. Enough about you.

I just read an interesting post about human and humans behavior in war

from: nanashi gm

People says that war is cruel and everyone deserves peace

but i say otherwise

during the warring era, people fights for their lives everyday, people discerns enemies and allies. While life is fragile it’s also shining brightly.

nowadays, most of the world is in the state of perpetual peace. The fighting still continues, but only within every human, we can no longer identify enemies and allies, most jobs no longer requires physical prowess since hard labor are being done by machines.

Humans keep getting weaker everyday, rather than evolving their physical body, they keep manufacturing things to lessen their burdens, while using tools is not a bad thing but the usage has been astronomical, i’m sure human dependency to tools and medicines will be the downfall of mankind one day.

The meaning of life keep diminishing everyday. This peaceful era destroying the mind of the people. I bet no one actually cares for nationalism anymore. This peace represses most human emotions, instincts, and natures. We are being turned to either robots or zombies, forced to be working as cogwheel of society. The peace is destroying humanity, turning us into mindless freaks that only care about money.


What do you think? I am against war, but I have to admit that war has its positive things. But in the end the negative aspects will overwhelm the positiv....

XOXO

“It seems like he has found his way in life”

“It seems like he has found his way in life” she said to me about someone else I barely know. Well I didn't found my way by now and I am so tired of searching my way, I am so tired of everything. My whole life wasn't so bad at all, but still it doesn't satisfy me. It wasn't the life I wanted. It is not my life I am living. This is not my body. This is not my brain. Everything I do is just not me. I try so hard to get satisfied with myself, to be pleased with myself. But I barely reached anything in my life that made me proud. Of course, I was in China, US, Australia and Israel and some other countries. I am studying at a good university, I have caring parents, enough money to have a decent live and a good health. But all in all it simply makes me sad. 

Every day I am sitting alone in university. When I come home there is no one waiting on me. When I come home there is only work waiting on me because I was just too stupid to get my stuff done over the day. When I come home I am alone in my own hell. The nights are the worst. Like this one.

I know those tips, “you are alone? Why donut you just get out and meet some people? C’mon this isn't so hard” It is hard FOR ME, every time I tried to make some contact, I fail so much. And I am not used to make contacts with others. I have a strange humor. Not a lot of people can deal with me, most of them deny me. That's why I don't like making new contacts, because I always feel like a monster/weirdo or freak after “making  new contacts”  I am so tired of the society, of this whole life, of myself and never satisfied with my work although I am trying so hard. I am not finding my way. Death is always a way out, but death isn't my way too. There is no way left for me. I wish I never existed….

 Guys, I am back in the hole.

P.S.
Thanks for good advice softsoul:

softsoul Says:
May 22nd, 2012 at 4:04 pm

So the good news is you’re going to start telling yourself the truth about who you truly are. The reflection you see is based on the broken home you expressed being brought up in. Tell yourself that the unconditional love that your folks didn’t provide for you…You’ll provide for you from now on. Decisions are based on beliefs…so at this moment you believe yourself to be unworthy….etc….practice…and I mean consciously practice every day for 10 min. when you wake up a positive belief about yourself…you can’t get it wrong. After a month because you decided how you wanted to feel good within yourself, you will feel better and more confident and you’ll know how to continue. No one else matters but you, your thoughts, beliefs, feelings…listen to you and follow what makes YOU feel good. You’re world will change for the better. Good luck!