The opposite of my behaviour....

Today was a nice day, really nice. I had some success at university and a lot of fun going in line-skating. During inline skating I was wondering about myself. The people there were really nice, at least I think they were. I really wanted to talk to them, but somehow I was too scared to talk to them. I don't know why I am doing this to me. I am isolating myself from everyone else and I hate it.

That is not a problem I have alone. A lot of people are scared to speak to other foreigners although they want to  talk with them. But why?  I mean, what is the point? Why is it so hard? It was such a good thing to be their in this gym with all the others. I have to admit the best part was when this girl pulled me behind her through the whole gym. I don't like it being the best part of it. My hormones are controlling my feelings and that is NOT good, it is very bad. girls can get control over me so easily. I hate this circumstance. Wish I was cold.

But is it so bad? I hate so many things on me. Are they all worse? I can barely change the most of it. The easiest thing would be to become comfortable with them. But I don't like them. So don't change some stuff? Because I am too weak for most of it.

While I am thinking about all those things I don't like. I check that most of them have become me. I am alone most times. Sure. But I don't care anymore. I am not a clever guy. I have to learn/practice more then double time then others. Sure. Fine. Sometimes I can learn even longer then double time. Actually there is only one thing that makes me sad. the fact that I can't speak to foreigners. I am such a coward. I am not a "talkative" person, but why can't I just greet others or make some small talk with them? Most times  I just look away or say something like "Mhmm",or " Yes". This makes me sad and angry.

But all in all it was not such a bad day. I saw "her" today and my heart kipped a beat but it didn't felt so awkward. Was nice to see her, walking  along the street. Yeah....

Was a good day.

XOXO