Hey there,

I have no antipathy against other people, thats wrong! Sometimes I need some time on my own, but most times I like to be around others. Today I nearly had relapse. I am now "sober" for one week, but I don't know how to count what I did today. I want to look in the mirror! So I keep on fighting against my addiction.
The Exams started and I should better learn, instead of writing this, but I need this now so badly.

One Year ago, 365 days, I flew with my love to Australia! Its now exactly one year ago. I wish this day is fast over. Damn .... I looked at a photo of her, and I cried. I don't know why I cried, something is wrong, terrible wrong. I know she doesn't cares anymore, she doesnt give a f**k about me. But its OK. Yesterday I was in a pub with a friend from inline skating  and it was fun. I have people around me! I am not totally alone! I need someone I can care of.

One year ago, all was fine, at least it seemed to be fine.

What have I done....?

Its a cloudy day

In the last time I started to dislike other people, or at least my antipathy against humans got stronger. I am feeling like there is no one out there who is worthy to know. People around me are so unsteady, today one of my colleagues decided to study something else, because she didn't passed the math exam. So another human being left my life although I barely had anything to do with her. I can't see a reason to spend time with others. Of course there are a few guys I always liked to be with, for example my brother or my love or my best friend from my childhood.  But when I can't stand spending a lot time with them because they start to annoy me after a longer time. So there isn't someone out there worth living for. I am not suicidal, live can be beautiful without people, not for me but for others maybe. I never wanted to be the "sadmen", but thats what I am now. The lonely sad guy no one likes to be with, but I don't like the others too, although I am suffering from this crap.

My love was in the bus that took me home. She is one of the people who can make me feel strong and alive, but when I walked out of the bus, she looked in my direction, smiled and instantly walked away although she must have seen me. People are cruel. I don't like them. I hate them for their behavior and love them for being so "human".

I am still suffering from my "addiction" and it is making me angry. In the morning I thought I can't look in the mirror anymore. I was never pleased with anything I ever did. I am not fighting for something in my life. I would like to fight for a human, a poor child, a sweet girl, a homeless men, or a drug addicted, just someone I could take care of, but as long as I am not caring for myself, I can't take the responsibility to care for others. I dont know what I want, my life lost its sense, I am feeling like a zombie. (I am just fighting to stay at university and try to pass all exams barely. But thats not me, that isn't one of my desires. I just have no other perspective in life then graduating from university)

Times like these

I hate times like these, when nothing is working right.

When I woke  up today I felt so great, during the day I felt more worse, just worse. I can't imagine what had happened. People stopped greeting me, nearly everyone avoids me. Its a funny thing, now. I used to think that I am lonely in my school time, but now I am really lonely. The more people avoid me the more I am thinking about why no one talks to me. Yeah I know, because I never started a real conversation with someone. It isn't easy to talk with me, I have nearly no hobbies and my humor is strange. Yesterday, I read an article where other people searched for others for friendship, relationship, "sex"-relationship and some more. I wanted to reply to some of them, but then I recognized that I don't really want this. I don't want a stranger to go out with or go shopping or to chill in the park. I want someone I already know, someone I know. Unfortunately I am surrounded by strangers. And I also thought about the time. I have no time to go out, of course if I want to have free time I can take some if I want. But I won't take free time for strangers, because this would be probably a waste of time. Someone to hang out with, should be in my course of studies. But at the moment my colleagues are treating me like a ghost, so no use in trying to connect. Eventually I am tired of thinking how lonely I am and why people are avoiding me.

I am alone now and thats it. I don't want to ask myself anymore why. I will try to take life how it is. No worries about others , because their are no others. Maybe I am feeling more free. Maybe this text is just crap.

At the moment I am working on some stuff for computer science, but I my skills are small and I am scared of exams, really scared. Must keep on working on stuff I barely understand. That is university for me. Working alone on stuff I don't understand.

Now a little bit about you, my loved one. I saw you today and I waved to you, you waved back and smiled. You were waiting on your math test. I really thought about coming over to you and wish you good luck. But I preferred to walk to my next lectures. Well, I am removing myself from you more and more. Enough about you.

I just read an interesting post about human and humans behavior in war

from: nanashi gm

People says that war is cruel and everyone deserves peace

but i say otherwise

during the warring era, people fights for their lives everyday, people discerns enemies and allies. While life is fragile it’s also shining brightly.

nowadays, most of the world is in the state of perpetual peace. The fighting still continues, but only within every human, we can no longer identify enemies and allies, most jobs no longer requires physical prowess since hard labor are being done by machines.

Humans keep getting weaker everyday, rather than evolving their physical body, they keep manufacturing things to lessen their burdens, while using tools is not a bad thing but the usage has been astronomical, i’m sure human dependency to tools and medicines will be the downfall of mankind one day.

The meaning of life keep diminishing everyday. This peaceful era destroying the mind of the people. I bet no one actually cares for nationalism anymore. This peace represses most human emotions, instincts, and natures. We are being turned to either robots or zombies, forced to be working as cogwheel of society. The peace is destroying humanity, turning us into mindless freaks that only care about money.


What do you think? I am against war, but I have to admit that war has its positive things. But in the end the negative aspects will overwhelm the positiv....

XOXO

“It seems like he has found his way in life”

“It seems like he has found his way in life” she said to me about someone else I barely know. Well I didn't found my way by now and I am so tired of searching my way, I am so tired of everything. My whole life wasn't so bad at all, but still it doesn't satisfy me. It wasn't the life I wanted. It is not my life I am living. This is not my body. This is not my brain. Everything I do is just not me. I try so hard to get satisfied with myself, to be pleased with myself. But I barely reached anything in my life that made me proud. Of course, I was in China, US, Australia and Israel and some other countries. I am studying at a good university, I have caring parents, enough money to have a decent live and a good health. But all in all it simply makes me sad. 

Every day I am sitting alone in university. When I come home there is no one waiting on me. When I come home there is only work waiting on me because I was just too stupid to get my stuff done over the day. When I come home I am alone in my own hell. The nights are the worst. Like this one.

I know those tips, “you are alone? Why donut you just get out and meet some people? C’mon this isn't so hard” It is hard FOR ME, every time I tried to make some contact, I fail so much. And I am not used to make contacts with others. I have a strange humor. Not a lot of people can deal with me, most of them deny me. That's why I don't like making new contacts, because I always feel like a monster/weirdo or freak after “making  new contacts”  I am so tired of the society, of this whole life, of myself and never satisfied with my work although I am trying so hard. I am not finding my way. Death is always a way out, but death isn't my way too. There is no way left for me. I wish I never existed….

 Guys, I am back in the hole.

P.S.
Thanks for good advice softsoul:

softsoul Says:
May 22nd, 2012 at 4:04 pm

So the good news is you’re going to start telling yourself the truth about who you truly are. The reflection you see is based on the broken home you expressed being brought up in. Tell yourself that the unconditional love that your folks didn’t provide for you…You’ll provide for you from now on. Decisions are based on beliefs…so at this moment you believe yourself to be unworthy….etc….practice…and I mean consciously practice every day for 10 min. when you wake up a positive belief about yourself…you can’t get it wrong. After a month because you decided how you wanted to feel good within yourself, you will feel better and more confident and you’ll know how to continue. No one else matters but you, your thoughts, beliefs, feelings…listen to you and follow what makes YOU feel good. You’re world will change for the better. Good luck!

The opposite of my behaviour....

Today was a nice day, really nice. I had some success at university and a lot of fun going in line-skating. During inline skating I was wondering about myself. The people there were really nice, at least I think they were. I really wanted to talk to them, but somehow I was too scared to talk to them. I don't know why I am doing this to me. I am isolating myself from everyone else and I hate it.

That is not a problem I have alone. A lot of people are scared to speak to other foreigners although they want to  talk with them. But why?  I mean, what is the point? Why is it so hard? It was such a good thing to be their in this gym with all the others. I have to admit the best part was when this girl pulled me behind her through the whole gym. I don't like it being the best part of it. My hormones are controlling my feelings and that is NOT good, it is very bad. girls can get control over me so easily. I hate this circumstance. Wish I was cold.

But is it so bad? I hate so many things on me. Are they all worse? I can barely change the most of it. The easiest thing would be to become comfortable with them. But I don't like them. So don't change some stuff? Because I am too weak for most of it.

While I am thinking about all those things I don't like. I check that most of them have become me. I am alone most times. Sure. But I don't care anymore. I am not a clever guy. I have to learn/practice more then double time then others. Sure. Fine. Sometimes I can learn even longer then double time. Actually there is only one thing that makes me sad. the fact that I can't speak to foreigners. I am such a coward. I am not a "talkative" person, but why can't I just greet others or make some small talk with them? Most times  I just look away or say something like "Mhmm",or " Yes". This makes me sad and angry.

But all in all it was not such a bad day. I saw "her" today and my heart kipped a beat but it didn't felt so awkward. Was nice to see her, walking  along the street. Yeah....

Was a good day.

XOXO

Let me fly

Are you going to set me free?

Are you going to let me fly where I want? Are you leaving me finally? You were my best friend and you were the one who let me feel so much pain that I nearly died, you tortured me for so long. Now, in two weeks you and me have to make a final decision. Can I resist? Can I defend myself? Will I be able to fly? Are you leaving me alone then? Leaving me? I thought you were closer to me then everyone else.

I am getting better day by day. I am feeling nearly “normal”. My life still sucks, but now you are not influencing me anymore so much. Someday I will feel better; someday I will find good friends; someday…

I miss her... I MISS YOU

I miss her... I MISS HER, but she doesn't miss me. She just enjoys the beautiful weather. I've become the same person I was before you. And I hate it. I am not okay. I feel fine, but I know I am not okay,because I am hearing sad music now for more then a month and I still miss her and I have become the one I was before you. I miss her so much. My days feel like dreams. I am dreaming all day long, but sometimes there are those moments, only a few seconds, when I feel alive, when everything thing feels so real. But the moment never stays long. And I fall back into my dream. My life feels like a dream, not a nightmare, but just not real, not good, no, I am really not O.K. . . .