“It seems like he has found his way in life”

“It seems like he has found his way in life” she said to me about someone else I barely know. Well I didn't found my way by now and I am so tired of searching my way, I am so tired of everything. My whole life wasn't so bad at all, but still it doesn't satisfy me. It wasn't the life I wanted. It is not my life I am living. This is not my body. This is not my brain. Everything I do is just not me. I try so hard to get satisfied with myself, to be pleased with myself. But I barely reached anything in my life that made me proud. Of course, I was in China, US, Australia and Israel and some other countries. I am studying at a good university, I have caring parents, enough money to have a decent live and a good health. But all in all it simply makes me sad. 

Every day I am sitting alone in university. When I come home there is no one waiting on me. When I come home there is only work waiting on me because I was just too stupid to get my stuff done over the day. When I come home I am alone in my own hell. The nights are the worst. Like this one.

I know those tips, “you are alone? Why donut you just get out and meet some people? C’mon this isn't so hard” It is hard FOR ME, every time I tried to make some contact, I fail so much. And I am not used to make contacts with others. I have a strange humor. Not a lot of people can deal with me, most of them deny me. That's why I don't like making new contacts, because I always feel like a monster/weirdo or freak after “making  new contacts”  I am so tired of the society, of this whole life, of myself and never satisfied with my work although I am trying so hard. I am not finding my way. Death is always a way out, but death isn't my way too. There is no way left for me. I wish I never existed….

 Guys, I am back in the hole.

P.S.
Thanks for good advice softsoul:

softsoul Says:
May 22nd, 2012 at 4:04 pm

So the good news is you’re going to start telling yourself the truth about who you truly are. The reflection you see is based on the broken home you expressed being brought up in. Tell yourself that the unconditional love that your folks didn’t provide for you…You’ll provide for you from now on. Decisions are based on beliefs…so at this moment you believe yourself to be unworthy….etc….practice…and I mean consciously practice every day for 10 min. when you wake up a positive belief about yourself…you can’t get it wrong. After a month because you decided how you wanted to feel good within yourself, you will feel better and more confident and you’ll know how to continue. No one else matters but you, your thoughts, beliefs, feelings…listen to you and follow what makes YOU feel good. You’re world will change for the better. Good luck!

The opposite of my behaviour....

Today was a nice day, really nice. I had some success at university and a lot of fun going in line-skating. During inline skating I was wondering about myself. The people there were really nice, at least I think they were. I really wanted to talk to them, but somehow I was too scared to talk to them. I don't know why I am doing this to me. I am isolating myself from everyone else and I hate it.

That is not a problem I have alone. A lot of people are scared to speak to other foreigners although they want to  talk with them. But why?  I mean, what is the point? Why is it so hard? It was such a good thing to be their in this gym with all the others. I have to admit the best part was when this girl pulled me behind her through the whole gym. I don't like it being the best part of it. My hormones are controlling my feelings and that is NOT good, it is very bad. girls can get control over me so easily. I hate this circumstance. Wish I was cold.

But is it so bad? I hate so many things on me. Are they all worse? I can barely change the most of it. The easiest thing would be to become comfortable with them. But I don't like them. So don't change some stuff? Because I am too weak for most of it.

While I am thinking about all those things I don't like. I check that most of them have become me. I am alone most times. Sure. But I don't care anymore. I am not a clever guy. I have to learn/practice more then double time then others. Sure. Fine. Sometimes I can learn even longer then double time. Actually there is only one thing that makes me sad. the fact that I can't speak to foreigners. I am such a coward. I am not a "talkative" person, but why can't I just greet others or make some small talk with them? Most times  I just look away or say something like "Mhmm",or " Yes". This makes me sad and angry.

But all in all it was not such a bad day. I saw "her" today and my heart kipped a beat but it didn't felt so awkward. Was nice to see her, walking  along the street. Yeah....

Was a good day.

XOXO

Let me fly

Are you going to set me free?

Are you going to let me fly where I want? Are you leaving me finally? You were my best friend and you were the one who let me feel so much pain that I nearly died, you tortured me for so long. Now, in two weeks you and me have to make a final decision. Can I resist? Can I defend myself? Will I be able to fly? Are you leaving me alone then? Leaving me? I thought you were closer to me then everyone else.

I am getting better day by day. I am feeling nearly “normal”. My life still sucks, but now you are not influencing me anymore so much. Someday I will feel better; someday I will find good friends; someday…

I miss her... I MISS YOU

I miss her... I MISS HER, but she doesn't miss me. She just enjoys the beautiful weather. I've become the same person I was before you. And I hate it. I am not okay. I feel fine, but I know I am not okay,because I am hearing sad music now for more then a month and I still miss her and I have become the one I was before you. I miss her so much. My days feel like dreams. I am dreaming all day long, but sometimes there are those moments, only a few seconds, when I feel alive, when everything thing feels so real. But the moment never stays long. And I fall back into my dream. My life feels like a dream, not a nightmare, but just not real, not good, no, I am really not O.K. . . .