Hi all! :D

One hour ago I was eating lunch with my physic girl. She said I complain to about the food. I noticed, she was right. I am complaining about a lot of things without recognizing that I am denigrating. I should try to feel more confident about with the things I get from life. Although not everything will be great, I should stop complaining about every single thing, I don't like.

Oh and I should improve my english. It sounds very german. I can understand english texts very well, but writing english texts is difficult for me. Also speaking english is very difficult for me, or at least I can understand it much better then talking in it. I need to get something to improve my english. Lets see if I can get something to improve my english.

See you all someday,

XOXO

one year ago...

Yeah, one ear ago was the time when I nearly had a "girlfriend". I don't want to talk too much about it now. I am writing this post because I am bored, really bored.

Well, . . . I don't know what I should write. I made some friends in the last weeks. A lot of friends for my conditions. I have to keep those friendships up. Whatever . . . Two das ago I visited my dying grandpa. He was nearly dead, he was too weak to move anything of his body, but his eyes. He looked horrible. I know the doctors gave him strong painkillers. I don't know what he is feeling, but maybe this isn't the worst death.

I am not here to write stuff about my grandpa. I still feel lonely, like yesterday there was no one to speak to, well but today I had someone I could talk a lot with. I don't know. If anyone would even read this, I would keep it up, but I am just to tired of everything. I don't know what I will do next. Mabe I am going to watch a film... whatever

XOXO

31.July 2012

Hey all,

I know this forum isn't the best place for this post, but I just wanted to talk to someone and tell someone how I feel.

It was a pretty busy day for me. I talked a lot to other people ( 2 persons). But when I came home today I felt so down and depressed. I don't know why, but somehow I lost interest in life. Every second day I feel so depressed for no particular reason. I don't think I am depressed or suffer from an other brain illness, its just that I put my life in a state where I disconnected absolutely from reality, from others, from everything. I am learning and studying now for about 3 weeks every day and night. I have no plans for my holidays. I really need new clothes, but I just got no time to buy some, because I have to learn. Always so busy learning, but my grades are pretty worse, although I passed every exam by now.

A funny thing is, that my life improved in the last weeks, I found one or two friends ( I had nearly no one the last half year). I have a new hobby (inline-skating) and I am not crieng anymore so often, because of the rejection of my love. But still, I don't feel happiness, when someone makes a joke I laugh, of course. But I can feel a sadness in me that doesn't fades away. Every second day I am feeling so blue. I know that a relationship could help me, but I am afraid of showing myself to others. One reason is my low self esteem. the other one is that I never had a partner. Although I am 20 years old. Honestly, I think I can't handle a real relationship, I just have no experience on this field. Yeah whatever.

Somedays ago I read an interesting quote:"Note sure if I am depressed or just grew up". Maybe I just grew up! Maybe I am having a adult view of the world now. Maybe thats the thing that makes me depressed and feeling lonesome. I don't know. But I know that this feeling isn't going to disappear in the next weeks. I just move on and try to give my best in exams and try to be nice to the people around me ( at someday I would like to just hurt everyone)

 P.S. I know this post isn't about suicide and don't matches in this forum, but someone will read this, I know. And I have no one else to talk to about this, I am sorry if someone feels offended in any way. Sorry ofr my bad grammar and writing, but Thanks a lot for reading! =)

Hey there,

I have no antipathy against other people, thats wrong! Sometimes I need some time on my own, but most times I like to be around others. Today I nearly had relapse. I am now "sober" for one week, but I don't know how to count what I did today. I want to look in the mirror! So I keep on fighting against my addiction.
The Exams started and I should better learn, instead of writing this, but I need this now so badly.

One Year ago, 365 days, I flew with my love to Australia! Its now exactly one year ago. I wish this day is fast over. Damn .... I looked at a photo of her, and I cried. I don't know why I cried, something is wrong, terrible wrong. I know she doesn't cares anymore, she doesnt give a f**k about me. But its OK. Yesterday I was in a pub with a friend from inline skating  and it was fun. I have people around me! I am not totally alone! I need someone I can care of.

One year ago, all was fine, at least it seemed to be fine.

What have I done....?

Its a cloudy day

In the last time I started to dislike other people, or at least my antipathy against humans got stronger. I am feeling like there is no one out there who is worthy to know. People around me are so unsteady, today one of my colleagues decided to study something else, because she didn't passed the math exam. So another human being left my life although I barely had anything to do with her. I can't see a reason to spend time with others. Of course there are a few guys I always liked to be with, for example my brother or my love or my best friend from my childhood.  But when I can't stand spending a lot time with them because they start to annoy me after a longer time. So there isn't someone out there worth living for. I am not suicidal, live can be beautiful without people, not for me but for others maybe. I never wanted to be the "sadmen", but thats what I am now. The lonely sad guy no one likes to be with, but I don't like the others too, although I am suffering from this crap.

My love was in the bus that took me home. She is one of the people who can make me feel strong and alive, but when I walked out of the bus, she looked in my direction, smiled and instantly walked away although she must have seen me. People are cruel. I don't like them. I hate them for their behavior and love them for being so "human".

I am still suffering from my "addiction" and it is making me angry. In the morning I thought I can't look in the mirror anymore. I was never pleased with anything I ever did. I am not fighting for something in my life. I would like to fight for a human, a poor child, a sweet girl, a homeless men, or a drug addicted, just someone I could take care of, but as long as I am not caring for myself, I can't take the responsibility to care for others. I dont know what I want, my life lost its sense, I am feeling like a zombie. (I am just fighting to stay at university and try to pass all exams barely. But thats not me, that isn't one of my desires. I just have no other perspective in life then graduating from university)

Times like these

I hate times like these, when nothing is working right.

When I woke  up today I felt so great, during the day I felt more worse, just worse. I can't imagine what had happened. People stopped greeting me, nearly everyone avoids me. Its a funny thing, now. I used to think that I am lonely in my school time, but now I am really lonely. The more people avoid me the more I am thinking about why no one talks to me. Yeah I know, because I never started a real conversation with someone. It isn't easy to talk with me, I have nearly no hobbies and my humor is strange. Yesterday, I read an article where other people searched for others for friendship, relationship, "sex"-relationship and some more. I wanted to reply to some of them, but then I recognized that I don't really want this. I don't want a stranger to go out with or go shopping or to chill in the park. I want someone I already know, someone I know. Unfortunately I am surrounded by strangers. And I also thought about the time. I have no time to go out, of course if I want to have free time I can take some if I want. But I won't take free time for strangers, because this would be probably a waste of time. Someone to hang out with, should be in my course of studies. But at the moment my colleagues are treating me like a ghost, so no use in trying to connect. Eventually I am tired of thinking how lonely I am and why people are avoiding me.

I am alone now and thats it. I don't want to ask myself anymore why. I will try to take life how it is. No worries about others , because their are no others. Maybe I am feeling more free. Maybe this text is just crap.

At the moment I am working on some stuff for computer science, but I my skills are small and I am scared of exams, really scared. Must keep on working on stuff I barely understand. That is university for me. Working alone on stuff I don't understand.

Now a little bit about you, my loved one. I saw you today and I waved to you, you waved back and smiled. You were waiting on your math test. I really thought about coming over to you and wish you good luck. But I preferred to walk to my next lectures. Well, I am removing myself from you more and more. Enough about you.

I just read an interesting post about human and humans behavior in war

from: nanashi gm

People says that war is cruel and everyone deserves peace

but i say otherwise

during the warring era, people fights for their lives everyday, people discerns enemies and allies. While life is fragile it’s also shining brightly.

nowadays, most of the world is in the state of perpetual peace. The fighting still continues, but only within every human, we can no longer identify enemies and allies, most jobs no longer requires physical prowess since hard labor are being done by machines.

Humans keep getting weaker everyday, rather than evolving their physical body, they keep manufacturing things to lessen their burdens, while using tools is not a bad thing but the usage has been astronomical, i’m sure human dependency to tools and medicines will be the downfall of mankind one day.

The meaning of life keep diminishing everyday. This peaceful era destroying the mind of the people. I bet no one actually cares for nationalism anymore. This peace represses most human emotions, instincts, and natures. We are being turned to either robots or zombies, forced to be working as cogwheel of society. The peace is destroying humanity, turning us into mindless freaks that only care about money.


What do you think? I am against war, but I have to admit that war has its positive things. But in the end the negative aspects will overwhelm the positiv....

XOXO

“It seems like he has found his way in life”

“It seems like he has found his way in life” she said to me about someone else I barely know. Well I didn't found my way by now and I am so tired of searching my way, I am so tired of everything. My whole life wasn't so bad at all, but still it doesn't satisfy me. It wasn't the life I wanted. It is not my life I am living. This is not my body. This is not my brain. Everything I do is just not me. I try so hard to get satisfied with myself, to be pleased with myself. But I barely reached anything in my life that made me proud. Of course, I was in China, US, Australia and Israel and some other countries. I am studying at a good university, I have caring parents, enough money to have a decent live and a good health. But all in all it simply makes me sad. 

Every day I am sitting alone in university. When I come home there is no one waiting on me. When I come home there is only work waiting on me because I was just too stupid to get my stuff done over the day. When I come home I am alone in my own hell. The nights are the worst. Like this one.

I know those tips, “you are alone? Why donut you just get out and meet some people? C’mon this isn't so hard” It is hard FOR ME, every time I tried to make some contact, I fail so much. And I am not used to make contacts with others. I have a strange humor. Not a lot of people can deal with me, most of them deny me. That's why I don't like making new contacts, because I always feel like a monster/weirdo or freak after “making  new contacts”  I am so tired of the society, of this whole life, of myself and never satisfied with my work although I am trying so hard. I am not finding my way. Death is always a way out, but death isn't my way too. There is no way left for me. I wish I never existed….

 Guys, I am back in the hole.

P.S.
Thanks for good advice softsoul:

softsoul Says:
May 22nd, 2012 at 4:04 pm

So the good news is you’re going to start telling yourself the truth about who you truly are. The reflection you see is based on the broken home you expressed being brought up in. Tell yourself that the unconditional love that your folks didn’t provide for you…You’ll provide for you from now on. Decisions are based on beliefs…so at this moment you believe yourself to be unworthy….etc….practice…and I mean consciously practice every day for 10 min. when you wake up a positive belief about yourself…you can’t get it wrong. After a month because you decided how you wanted to feel good within yourself, you will feel better and more confident and you’ll know how to continue. No one else matters but you, your thoughts, beliefs, feelings…listen to you and follow what makes YOU feel good. You’re world will change for the better. Good luck!

The opposite of my behaviour....

Today was a nice day, really nice. I had some success at university and a lot of fun going in line-skating. During inline skating I was wondering about myself. The people there were really nice, at least I think they were. I really wanted to talk to them, but somehow I was too scared to talk to them. I don't know why I am doing this to me. I am isolating myself from everyone else and I hate it.

That is not a problem I have alone. A lot of people are scared to speak to other foreigners although they want to  talk with them. But why?  I mean, what is the point? Why is it so hard? It was such a good thing to be their in this gym with all the others. I have to admit the best part was when this girl pulled me behind her through the whole gym. I don't like it being the best part of it. My hormones are controlling my feelings and that is NOT good, it is very bad. girls can get control over me so easily. I hate this circumstance. Wish I was cold.

But is it so bad? I hate so many things on me. Are they all worse? I can barely change the most of it. The easiest thing would be to become comfortable with them. But I don't like them. So don't change some stuff? Because I am too weak for most of it.

While I am thinking about all those things I don't like. I check that most of them have become me. I am alone most times. Sure. But I don't care anymore. I am not a clever guy. I have to learn/practice more then double time then others. Sure. Fine. Sometimes I can learn even longer then double time. Actually there is only one thing that makes me sad. the fact that I can't speak to foreigners. I am such a coward. I am not a "talkative" person, but why can't I just greet others or make some small talk with them? Most times  I just look away or say something like "Mhmm",or " Yes". This makes me sad and angry.

But all in all it was not such a bad day. I saw "her" today and my heart kipped a beat but it didn't felt so awkward. Was nice to see her, walking  along the street. Yeah....

Was a good day.

XOXO

Let me fly

Are you going to set me free?

Are you going to let me fly where I want? Are you leaving me finally? You were my best friend and you were the one who let me feel so much pain that I nearly died, you tortured me for so long. Now, in two weeks you and me have to make a final decision. Can I resist? Can I defend myself? Will I be able to fly? Are you leaving me alone then? Leaving me? I thought you were closer to me then everyone else.

I am getting better day by day. I am feeling nearly “normal”. My life still sucks, but now you are not influencing me anymore so much. Someday I will feel better; someday I will find good friends; someday…

I miss her... I MISS YOU

I miss her... I MISS HER, but she doesn't miss me. She just enjoys the beautiful weather. I've become the same person I was before you. And I hate it. I am not okay. I feel fine, but I know I am not okay,because I am hearing sad music now for more then a month and I still miss her and I have become the one I was before you. I miss her so much. My days feel like dreams. I am dreaming all day long, but sometimes there are those moments, only a few seconds, when I feel alive, when everything thing feels so real. But the moment never stays long. And I fall back into my dream. My life feels like a dream, not a nightmare, but just not real, not good, no, I am really not O.K. . . .

My fingers are writing

Hey there,
i am still not okay, I still miss her a lot I still search her.  I still can't forget you but now for those few seconds I will, because I am going to play a nice little game now. I write without thinking about what I write. Only one rule, never stop writing. I will start now!

This day I Was so busy . waking up and missing you. Making breakfast and still missing you. Watching the sunrise and be happy because of the beautiful weather. You were on line and I was happy seeing that you were awake. Well so I went out to start my day and I hopped this time I would see you in the bus or at the bus stop but you weren't there. Shall I tell you something? My game is pretty crap because I am just writing about you. Please stop messing my game up. Maybe I just should start writing about different stuff. But you are in my head and I can't forget you or get you out of my head. I know there is a cure. The cure is called "people". But where are all these "cures"? When I look out of my window I see them chilling in the park in front of my skyscraper, but I just can't make a connection to them, like today in one of my lectures where I noticed again that I can't make good jokes. I have a special sense of humor which only a few people can understand or deal with. I wish I would be more funny but i am not. So what should I do? I don't even like those guys so much because we just have such a different kind of humor. Wonder how my live would be if I could be more like them. I don't know and I never will know. I am born for being alone. Today there is a big campfire here in the city but I am not going there because I have no one to come with me. Maybe I just should ask some people but I don't like one of them so much to come with me. The rest of my friends ,wait one moment, Just had a great idea I am going to ask a friend if he wants to go with me to a campfire in my city lets see. if he will answer.

End of my game. Yeah I have a result, lets see what my old friend will answer. This is someone I knew from school but we have barely contact since we are at university. ****! He is going with some friends to a river making a barbecue. And I am alone again. It is so ridiculous. So I am alone again. Another evening I am alone, it is the most beautiful weather and I am alone here. Tomorrow is a free day. No work, no school, no university and I am all alone....so alone....

Expect it different then you think...

 I came to a point in the last days. I had a pretty long talk with my brother about the world. Well the result was, that I am thinking I expected too much from the world. The world is cruel, so is society and the people, but we have only this world and we have to deal with this world every day. I was stupid about wondering how she just doesn't love me, it just wasn't meant to be. I can't force her to love me. (This was a really horrible thought, it nearly hurts me physically)

 I shouldn't expect so much from live, humans are bad, but this is not a reason to get sad, most of the humans are just strangers to me and I can't and don't want to understand them. A lot of people don’t want to understand me neither. But that is life. Life can't be every time good and great. I know there are people out who never had a good thing in life, but they keep on living. On every bad time there will be a good one. Maybe the good time will be much shorter than the bad times, but that is life.

I should live my own life. Not a lot people will care about that fact. But I am caring for them neither. One point in living your own life is to expect not too much. I did and it made me very sad. Of course you can always change yourself and try to get what you expect, but sometimes you can’t get it. I have no real friends, my lifestyle isn’t made for a lot of friends. I can change, but that would change me and my life. And I don’t want that. So, I choose the second option. I keep on living my life the way I used to live, of course I won’t have so many friends and will be sad sometimes, but in the end I can tell. I lived my life the way I wanted.

You know what I am thinking at the moment? I Just saw my love in a picture in the Internet (last Friday there was a special event in my city and someone took a photo of her and a friend)   I wish I never had told my love anything, about my feelings. I believe I scared her away. I never had a girlfriend by now, so I have no experience in something like a relationship or how to make physical contact with a girl. She also never had a boyfriend. I think she is really happy as single and don’t want a relationship. So we could be still friends.

I know she will leave this city here in at least 2 years and she will go to another city on the other side of my country. Half a year ago she told me that she doesn’t want a closer relationship because she will leave this city someday, not that far away. She just wanted to protect herself, I guess.

Damn, I always tried to find out how my love is thinking, what her next step would be, what she will say in the next moment, what she likes. If I had found out earlier that she isn’t interested in a relationship, we could be still very good friends (How I hate myself for what I’ve done, but I know it was unavoidable). I just wanted to know everything about her. But now I realize I was far away from knowing her character in the slightest. I still don’t know how her character is working and I want to know it. I am just not satisfied, with the answers about those questions I got in the last year. I am feeling like I don’t know anything about her. Of course I know her past, at least some parts, but I have no clue who she really is( I hope you understand me). I want to know how she will act, what will her made laugh? How will she react in different situation? I tried to find it out and I really failed. She is such a big secret to me and I want to know this secret. So ridiculous to know that she doesn’t care and it is so useless to think about such things. Maybe I will never know again how her live is going. So, no use in thinking about it. No use, but I can’t stop thinking about it. Still I hope she is not scared of me!!! Please! Don’t be scared. That would be very worse for me, knowing that she find me scary, because that is the last thing I want her to believe. Whatever…

A really famous german writer made a short history about this problem of human trying to understand other humans. (An old Men asked two women if they know who their husbands are. One of them told the old men everything she knew about the life of her husband( she was outraged by this question), but the second women, answered that she is every evening happy when her husband lies next to her in bed and she is really glad when she wakes up and he is still there. She may know his name and his history, but she will never say she knows WHO her husband really is.)

The point of the story was that people can never say how the others are going to react. This is somehow a beautiful and scaring thing for me. On the one hand side I would be everyday really glad to have someone, knowing this person can leave you whenever the person wants to, but on the other side it must be frightening every day to know this person is possible gone the next day. I really like this story. It made me think about the people and the connection between humans.

Ah, now I am feeling much better. It helped me to write this down.

Greetings

Where is the good go?

Wonder what has happened. Can someone tell me where all my interests, Hobbys went? I am not interested in anything in my life (except her of course ) Where am I gone? I am just living for university and I hate to have free time, because I just don’t know what to do. I am bored in my free time, but I also don’t start anything. Nothing looks interesting enough for me. Go out and meet people, a lot of people told me that. Yeah, well, but there is something strange about me. On the one hand side I can understand them and want to meet other people and make new connections. It can be a lot of fun, but on the other hand side I don’t want to meet other people. Too often I got disappointed, because I couldn’t made any new friends or just didn’t liked the people(most time I  didn’t liked them). I want to have friends, but it comes up that it is very hard for me to speak to strangers, to make contact with them. Why I am so shy? Why I don’t like the people around me?  I know, a lot of them are really cool, but I can’t get in touch with them. Maybe it is because I used to work the whole day for university and I don’t go out at night, of course it is hard to make new friends without meeting a human. I must start going out to make new friends, but I am not interested in going out. I prefer to be alone at night at home. I am weird, I know. The most people can’t understand why I always work for university and I can understand them. It is weird of me to be like I am. My brain, my feelings, my love and my life made me the way I am today. A little bit f**ked up. Yeah I am okay, but I am not well. I miss a lot of things in my life, but I can live without them. Just keep on living. I exist, like an animal, they just exist.

I guess I won't change much in the next time, without my love I am so weak and not interested in anything. She gave me often new ideas, what to do in my life. How to use my free time. Well but she is gone and I lost her good advice. Yeah I messed up. but it is okay. I had to mess up. There never was another way for me.

you=my love

I just had to ask you if I may kiss you, you denied and never wanted to see me again for a while. You didn't even answered my question ("How are you"). You just ignored it, like so many other things. Now you are ready to see me again, but, I am sorry, can't see why I should speak with you again, after you let me down so very hard to the ground. My heart wants to see you again, but my body is controlled by my brain and my brain says "nope, don't let her come close to you again, because it makes no sense talking to her."

I am sorry my love, sorry for everything I did to you. You aren't sorry, I guess. No, you aren't sorry. I know you are not sorry for anything, because you don't care. YOU DON'T CARE, but I do! That is the problem between us.

Hope I will find soon something for my spare time.

C U

Another day has passed

Hey there,

wonder if someone will ever read all this... However this day was like all the other days except of the night. I am feeling pretty good, or lets say I am not feeling down. The day started at 6 a.m.I woke up and the sky was blue and the sun was rising. Of course I was again thinking about her. So I stood up went in the bathroom and made very little breakfast. While leaving my house I started to feel miserable again. Thinking of my love, who apperantly had caught the bus 5 minutes before I arrived at the bus station, I don't know if it would be good to see her, I guess not. So I took my bus and went to my lectures. I didn't understand a word, because I was very busy feeling horrible and was very happy when the lecture was over. Afterwards I wanted to learn with one of my colleagues, but he said he understood everything and didn't needed to learn and finally went home. I was glad about that, because after the break I went to the lecture of my love and just wanted to see her. I saw her sitting between some of her (maybe) friends. It reminded me of me. Sitting lonely in a lecture with about 500 students, and still no one who understand me, only one person who talks really less and I just don't really like that person. The person doesn't fit to me, like all the others. My love was really busy writing some stuff from the board. I just thought " That is my loved one, she will be a great women someday", then I left.
The rest of the morning I spended walking around and trying to understand my lectures from the first lesson. So after that I went to a room were you can work on your own and stayed there for about 4 hours, I was feeling better then in the morning. In the evening I went to a park to run a bit. Unfortunately we used to run together through this park. It reminded me of some better days and made me sad again, so I quitted running and went home. At home I asked my flatmate a question to a task about static. then I watched the first part of the film" Into the wild". And now I am feeling much better, really better. The film showed me a way of living that is so total different to mine.

and now I think a little bit different about life. My life is lonely. I should never trust someone, so I can't get hurt. Even if someone wants to meet me, I shouldn't trust them. Never trust someone a single word about feelings or opinions. I must become cold so I can't get hurt again.
People aren't continuous. They come and go like they want. Maybe they will come into my live when I need them, apparently someone left me when I needed her (really? wasn't she the reason for my sadness? I have to admit it. She was...). Do I really need her? Wasn't it a good thing to leave me alone? She was the only real friend I had, and now she is gone... I should never let someone come so close to me ever again. They manipulate me. They can easily change my mind. Never ever again trusting strangers or friends. Mom and dad didn't disappointed me by now, but they have become strangers to. I don't like their lives. Actually I prefer being here at university on my own and alone, not at home with them. My heart took out my brain twice and I was destroyed to the ground twice. I am the weakest if I follow my heart. Just fuck my heart. It must be great to be as cold as some people are. Alone but not lonely. I always wanted to be like my love. So cold.... emotionless, unsteady, lying to other people, using them for own advantage and not caring at all. To have such a character is a great advantage in this world and you can't get hurt because you just give a fuck about other peoples feeling. That should become my new aim in life...

I know I can try but again I know I am just to weak for being such a "hard" person... but I have to try. Have to become very cold. The first big test will be not to go to the brabecue. Just to stay alone with my computer and play shitty games I am not interested in or I stay at university and do some stuff...

It was so clear what would happen...

Of course she didn't answer me the way I wanted her to do so. She just asked me if I want to come to a barbecue with some friends and of course she will be there, too.  I know if I will go to the barbecue I will suffer more and more and more.... but if I stay away from the barbecue I know I will suffer from incredible pain. At the moment I think I will stay away from there, but I also know how much I still want her. Damn.... I can't go to the barbecue, she refused to answer on my question, just asked me to come on the barbecue.I know she doesn't love me and I don't know why.
She never had a boyfriend by now and I can't understand why she doesn't want me. I have to accept it. I don't know if I will ever be able to handle seeing her with someone else. It hurts so much. Everything hurts so much even after 4 weeks. Everyone has left my life. I don't want to see someone else. I am feeling so lonely. There is no one I can talk to the way I want, all the things I just want to tell someone, but no one is interested. No one cares. If I start talking to someone they never let me tell them what I want, they just keep on talking about shit I am not interested in.
I just watched the film "500 days of summer" This film is so true. My life with her could have been the real story to this film. This film reflects my life, but my life has no happy end. In the end I am still alone and I have nothing to do. I haven't studied architecture. I have no friends who help me here at university. I have no hobbys, eventually I don't want any hobby. All I want is you. Hey I just counted the days since I am in love with her  "430 Days -- or -- 61 Weeks and 3 Days" That are a lot of days. But we were never together in this time (except that weekend we didn't even met each other), we were always just friends. Please someone out there. Talk to me, help me. Hope has left my life. :( I am feeling miserable. I hope some of the people of the suicide project will talk to me. Please. I need someone...

Breath in the future, Breathe out the past...but keep thinking about the past

Hey there,

Today and yesterday were awful. I was wrong, I am not on the way to become comfortable with myself. there is an emptiness inside me I cannot explain. It feels like I have lost everything that made my live nice and good. I have nothing to look forward. Tomorrow I will be here at my parents house, doing some homework for university and at 1 p.m I will go by train back to my home at university. When I arrive there I have to clean the bathroom and try to learn until midnight. I must keep myself busy so my thoughts can't hunt me down. Actually there is something, I am curios about. I will visit a lecture of my love just to see her. I believe I just will see her and leave the lecture and I have I don't know if this is really clever. But I guess I can't help myself. I really want to see her. The rest of the week I will be at university learning all day and night long. I will barely speak to some friends and will be often alone, but at least I am busy.

You know what I am doing if I want to cheer myself up? I am watching videos on youtube. For example the video "humans are awesome" Watching this video makes me often smile. Or the video of the "World's Largest Rope Swing" that looks great but the most impressive is "Dream Lines Part III - Wingsuit proximity by Jokke Sommer" the music is just awesome. It makes me feel so good.

the village my parents live in is near a river. I run to that river in the evening today. and of course I was thinking about my life. I remembered better days. I remembered me of the last summer. The best time in my life. I remembered the time I had with you, the holidays with you in Australia, all the experiences we made together, the language school, the diving course, meeting those incredible cool people, the trip to ayers Rock, our time in Brisbane and Sydney. I know, when I was there with you in down under. I didn't felt so great about, it like now, but I knew, when I was there, we had a good time. And I have to admit that we had our time. I mean we got something that will always stick us together. We had a past together and it was great.

Actually I think that everything that happened in the last year was unavoidable and it is fine. We had our time together, it is her destiny to study physics. It was absolutely clear that we can't be together. She chases her dreams and there is no space for others like me. I regret not much that happened in the past. Except that I didn't recognized earlier that we can't be together, maybe that could have avoided the trouble I am now in. Maybe. On the other hand side I have to say, everything that happened was absolutely me, it was my character, I didn't changed myself for you. I could have barely acted in another way then I did, I didn't disguised myself. Everything was fine, its my life I am living and I truly live it on my own way ( Frank sinatra"I did it my way") She said one year ago that the university won't be easy, but I never thought that my time at university would be so lonesome. Well but as she said, if it won't be hard, you can't be proud of it in the end.

I will write her a little message soon, just asking how life is going. I hope she will answer it and tell me some stuff about her live. I don't know if I could survive a rejection. but at first I have to see her another time.

Please keep my fingers crossed for me, I hope someday all will be well,

someday...

some time has passed...

Hey guys,

Someone visited my blog. Thank you! At least their is someone on earth who noticed my posts.
I was feeling better, hadn't her seen her for 3 weeks now, but today you surprised me. I am feeling sorry that I was to surprised to say "hello", so i just nodded at you. It is kind of strange that you mean to me so much. There isn't another human being except my family on earth who means so much to me. Even after 3 weeks you are more then 2 times in a hour in my mind of me. But you don't care, because I am just another men for you. Just another guy who lives his life on earth, no one special, just "friend". I guess we can't be called friends at the moment. We behave more like strangers to each other. So I have to accept this and I am accepting it in my brain, not in my heart." At some point you have to realize that people can stay in your heart, but not in your live" so true :(

My second year at university just started and I was surprised another time by the humans. Some of my "colleagues/friends" just quited studying. I will barley see them a second time. We were together every week for over then  6 months! and I didn't even said goodbye. Such friends from work come and go like they want, to bad that those are the only "friends" I have/had left. I know this isn't normal. I barely make contact with other people, because i don't do much where I can meet friends. However, it doesn't matter if you have a lot of friends. The most important thing is that you are fine with yourself. when   you have become comfortable with yourself, you will start live your life like you want it. I must become comfortable with myself and I am on the way to do so, at least I hope I am on the way to become comfortable.

This day I thought what would I do if I won't graduate from university, what if I fail? What if I won't pass the next tests. My first thought was: I had no idea what to do instead of studying my subject. My second one was: I don't know why I am studying this subject. I am not dreaming of something to become. Actually I am studying my subject just because the link from the Internet my loved one send me one year ago. Of course I have some fun studying, but I could study a lot of stuff and would have fun. Its just weird. I am working as hard as I can for something I am not even convinced of! Ridiculous.

At the moment I have a lot to do at University, that is good on one hand side. I am busy and the boredom I felt in my "holidays" is gone, on the other hand side I need an activity to recover from all that work. and I can't help myself remembering that last day we were together in the Park. It was a sunny day with few really nice looking white clouds in the sky, I was  running near you and you were skating with your in liners. We run and skated for more then a half hour or even longer. We covered a distance of over 10 km, we made 3 rounds. And this very short moment I felt totally freedom, running in a Park, the sun was shining on me. A castle in front of me and a very nice song from Boards of Canada in my ears. In this little moment I nearly forgot you skating at my side, i felt like I could do and become anything I want. I felt safe. I felt joy. I never had such nice 2 hours since that day. I always used to feel so great when you were with me. I never felt so  with anyone else... so sad that I messed up. but it was nearly unavoidable, I know it was nearly unavoidable. So sad . . .

Now I know I have to live without you.

Greetings from me

In the middle of the night

In the middle of the night i used to be alone. In the middle of the night my demons used to hunt me down. They are doing so right now. But they won't win this time because i am writing. I am writing to keep myself busy from being "evil".

I always wondered what all the people are doing at the moment. Who is sleeping in his bed at the moment? Who is at a party? Who is in trouble? How was today of everyone? Whish I could know how life behaved today to  my "friends" and other people I know. The world is huge and small at the same time. Everyone is oding something at the moment. Every where on earth. People on a lonely island in the pacifik are living there "easy" life. The Presidents of the world are making "important" decisions. Some youth guys are making a party. In australia it is in the middle of the day, so people are working. All this happens in those few seconds I am writing this blog. Pretty awesome isn't it?

My demons are still trying to catch me, but not this time. today I am going to win this battle. Me against my body. somekind of a title I read on the Suicide Project " My brains trys to kill me". The song of Gotye "baby" made my day =)

hope someone will read this someday.

Greetings from me

my second day at the second term of the year

hi there,

I am reading a lot of stories from the Suicide Project these days. I really like this Forum. It is a good feeling to see that i am not alone with all my problems, there are a lot of people who have similar problems and often much more worser. It makes me very angry and sad to know how much I messed up with my life, my people and my love. But I am OK, I did wrong things, but not everything was wrong. For example I read a story of a guy who really messed up with his love. He told her that he was suicidal and freaked totally out and now his love is scared of him and don’t want to talk to him anymore. He also lost his job and is now in a lot of trouble. I did not so. I still have the chance to get a better live in the next time

Today I started working for university. It took me a lot of willpower to start. After 2 Months holidays, I am still exhausted, because I never had real holidays. Instead of holidays I waited for her all the time. My life became really hollow knowing that we can't be ever together. I never knew how little my life was. I just lived for her and nothing else. In the morning I was walking around University and felt like a ghost. All the other people were chatting and talking and I felt so lonely in all the crowds of people. I hadn't much to do and this boredom really kills me. I don't like to be alone with my thoughts and nothing to do. In the afternoon I started with some homework. Instantly I felt better. It was a good feeling, working on some Exercise, although I didn't finished a single one of them. I used my brain for myself, I worked and studied for myself. That was kind of good feeling. To live for yourself, not for someone else. Give your life meaning!

The bad thing about such statements is that you have to figure it out on your own. I read stories of people who were really in big trouble. No home, no job, no friends, no money and left by their loved one. I really want to tell those people to keep on going, but I just don't know what to tell them to cheer them up. They haven't left anything in life. But life is full of surprises. When you are down in the dumps it happens pretty often that something unexpectedly will happen. For example I got my results from my math test today and I had passed the test!!! That was a real surprise for me and something I really needed. I worked really hard for the whole year. Passing the test is a good sign. I can graduate successfully from university. There is a chance to do so. I must use this chance and I will try as hard as I can.

Some Facts About Myself

Hi there,
I started this blog because i often think about the world and humans behavior and want to tell someone my ideas. As there is nobody in my life who I can tell all this stuff I just started this blog. I am sorry for my Englisch, i am not a native speaker but want to use a language everyone can understand.

Some facts about me:
I am a student at an University and study something technical. I was born at begin of the 90's. I went to the Kindergarten as a child ( a really happy time ) then the school started and i recognized I have problems with the others. After the elementary school I attended a grammar school. At the grammar school problem with the other kids got worser. I always tried to be nice and funny, but I never made a lot of friends. Eventually, i did not made a single friend i am still in contact with. I had some friends at school, but we never met outside of the school. I grew up and changed the school, i thought i would made some friends their. Again I had only one real friend at the school, but we also just met us in school. After I had finished school I had some good friends, for schools again but we never did something together in our free time. One of them I also met outside of school, only problem was the this good friend was a girl and I was in love with her. We became good friends, although i never told her that I loved her. In the summer of 2011 we flew to Australia and made four Weeks holidays. those holidays were the best i ever had in my life. (Thank you very much). Although i can't show this to you because I can't contact you anymore. (she refused my question if she wants to be with me)

Then University started and the problem became worse. It was the same problem in school. I tried to find friends, but again most of them doesn't fit to me and i felt uncomfortable with them.

(I don't drink alcohol or smoke and I don't like party's. I enjoy going out at day with people or just sit at a river in the evening and have a barbecue. I also like sports, i like nearly every sport, except soccer and fight sports. I played trumpet for 10 years in an orchestra and a jazzband. I like to speak with other people, but somehow I have problems doing so. I am not such a bad guy, am I?)

Now, no one wants to speak to me at university anymore. Of course i have some old friends at University, but somehow they never tried to communicate with me and I have to send them messages to talk. So i guess they are not interested in me.

Well thats my life and my problem and because of my problem I have a lot of time to think about the others. I want to tell someone all this Stuff I am thinking about. Thats why i made this blog. I hope someone will read this some day and leave a comment.

Greetings