“It seems like he has found his way in life”

“It seems like he has found his way in life” she said to me about someone else I barely know. Well I didn't found my way by now and I am so tired of searching my way, I am so tired of everything. My whole life wasn't so bad at all, but still it doesn't satisfy me. It wasn't the life I wanted. It is not my life I am living. This is not my body. This is not my brain. Everything I do is just not me. I try so hard to get satisfied with myself, to be pleased with myself. But I barely reached anything in my life that made me proud. Of course, I was in China, US, Australia and Israel and some other countries. I am studying at a good university, I have caring parents, enough money to have a decent live and a good health. But all in all it simply makes me sad. 

Every day I am sitting alone in university. When I come home there is no one waiting on me. When I come home there is only work waiting on me because I was just too stupid to get my stuff done over the day. When I come home I am alone in my own hell. The nights are the worst. Like this one.

I know those tips, “you are alone? Why donut you just get out and meet some people? C’mon this isn't so hard” It is hard FOR ME, every time I tried to make some contact, I fail so much. And I am not used to make contacts with others. I have a strange humor. Not a lot of people can deal with me, most of them deny me. That's why I don't like making new contacts, because I always feel like a monster/weirdo or freak after “making  new contacts”  I am so tired of the society, of this whole life, of myself and never satisfied with my work although I am trying so hard. I am not finding my way. Death is always a way out, but death isn't my way too. There is no way left for me. I wish I never existed….

 Guys, I am back in the hole.

P.S.
Thanks for good advice softsoul:

softsoul Says:
May 22nd, 2012 at 4:04 pm

So the good news is you’re going to start telling yourself the truth about who you truly are. The reflection you see is based on the broken home you expressed being brought up in. Tell yourself that the unconditional love that your folks didn’t provide for you…You’ll provide for you from now on. Decisions are based on beliefs…so at this moment you believe yourself to be unworthy….etc….practice…and I mean consciously practice every day for 10 min. when you wake up a positive belief about yourself…you can’t get it wrong. After a month because you decided how you wanted to feel good within yourself, you will feel better and more confident and you’ll know how to continue. No one else matters but you, your thoughts, beliefs, feelings…listen to you and follow what makes YOU feel good. You’re world will change for the better. Good luck!