31.July 2012

Hey all,

I know this forum isn't the best place for this post, but I just wanted to talk to someone and tell someone how I feel.

It was a pretty busy day for me. I talked a lot to other people ( 2 persons). But when I came home today I felt so down and depressed. I don't know why, but somehow I lost interest in life. Every second day I feel so depressed for no particular reason. I don't think I am depressed or suffer from an other brain illness, its just that I put my life in a state where I disconnected absolutely from reality, from others, from everything. I am learning and studying now for about 3 weeks every day and night. I have no plans for my holidays. I really need new clothes, but I just got no time to buy some, because I have to learn. Always so busy learning, but my grades are pretty worse, although I passed every exam by now.

A funny thing is, that my life improved in the last weeks, I found one or two friends ( I had nearly no one the last half year). I have a new hobby (inline-skating) and I am not crieng anymore so often, because of the rejection of my love. But still, I don't feel happiness, when someone makes a joke I laugh, of course. But I can feel a sadness in me that doesn't fades away. Every second day I am feeling so blue. I know that a relationship could help me, but I am afraid of showing myself to others. One reason is my low self esteem. the other one is that I never had a partner. Although I am 20 years old. Honestly, I think I can't handle a real relationship, I just have no experience on this field. Yeah whatever.

Somedays ago I read an interesting quote:"Note sure if I am depressed or just grew up". Maybe I just grew up! Maybe I am having a adult view of the world now. Maybe thats the thing that makes me depressed and feeling lonesome. I don't know. But I know that this feeling isn't going to disappear in the next weeks. I just move on and try to give my best in exams and try to be nice to the people around me ( at someday I would like to just hurt everyone)

 P.S. I know this post isn't about suicide and don't matches in this forum, but someone will read this, I know. And I have no one else to talk to about this, I am sorry if someone feels offended in any way. Sorry ofr my bad grammar and writing, but Thanks a lot for reading! =)

Hey there,

I have no antipathy against other people, thats wrong! Sometimes I need some time on my own, but most times I like to be around others. Today I nearly had relapse. I am now "sober" for one week, but I don't know how to count what I did today. I want to look in the mirror! So I keep on fighting against my addiction.
The Exams started and I should better learn, instead of writing this, but I need this now so badly.

One Year ago, 365 days, I flew with my love to Australia! Its now exactly one year ago. I wish this day is fast over. Damn .... I looked at a photo of her, and I cried. I don't know why I cried, something is wrong, terrible wrong. I know she doesn't cares anymore, she doesnt give a f**k about me. But its OK. Yesterday I was in a pub with a friend from inline skating  and it was fun. I have people around me! I am not totally alone! I need someone I can care of.

One year ago, all was fine, at least it seemed to be fine.

What have I done....?

Its a cloudy day

In the last time I started to dislike other people, or at least my antipathy against humans got stronger. I am feeling like there is no one out there who is worthy to know. People around me are so unsteady, today one of my colleagues decided to study something else, because she didn't passed the math exam. So another human being left my life although I barely had anything to do with her. I can't see a reason to spend time with others. Of course there are a few guys I always liked to be with, for example my brother or my love or my best friend from my childhood.  But when I can't stand spending a lot time with them because they start to annoy me after a longer time. So there isn't someone out there worth living for. I am not suicidal, live can be beautiful without people, not for me but for others maybe. I never wanted to be the "sadmen", but thats what I am now. The lonely sad guy no one likes to be with, but I don't like the others too, although I am suffering from this crap.

My love was in the bus that took me home. She is one of the people who can make me feel strong and alive, but when I walked out of the bus, she looked in my direction, smiled and instantly walked away although she must have seen me. People are cruel. I don't like them. I hate them for their behavior and love them for being so "human".

I am still suffering from my "addiction" and it is making me angry. In the morning I thought I can't look in the mirror anymore. I was never pleased with anything I ever did. I am not fighting for something in my life. I would like to fight for a human, a poor child, a sweet girl, a homeless men, or a drug addicted, just someone I could take care of, but as long as I am not caring for myself, I can't take the responsibility to care for others. I dont know what I want, my life lost its sense, I am feeling like a zombie. (I am just fighting to stay at university and try to pass all exams barely. But thats not me, that isn't one of my desires. I just have no other perspective in life then graduating from university)