The opposite of my behaviour....

Today was a nice day, really nice. I had some success at university and a lot of fun going in line-skating. During inline skating I was wondering about myself. The people there were really nice, at least I think they were. I really wanted to talk to them, but somehow I was too scared to talk to them. I don't know why I am doing this to me. I am isolating myself from everyone else and I hate it.

That is not a problem I have alone. A lot of people are scared to speak to other foreigners although they want to  talk with them. But why?  I mean, what is the point? Why is it so hard? It was such a good thing to be their in this gym with all the others. I have to admit the best part was when this girl pulled me behind her through the whole gym. I don't like it being the best part of it. My hormones are controlling my feelings and that is NOT good, it is very bad. girls can get control over me so easily. I hate this circumstance. Wish I was cold.

But is it so bad? I hate so many things on me. Are they all worse? I can barely change the most of it. The easiest thing would be to become comfortable with them. But I don't like them. So don't change some stuff? Because I am too weak for most of it.

While I am thinking about all those things I don't like. I check that most of them have become me. I am alone most times. Sure. But I don't care anymore. I am not a clever guy. I have to learn/practice more then double time then others. Sure. Fine. Sometimes I can learn even longer then double time. Actually there is only one thing that makes me sad. the fact that I can't speak to foreigners. I am such a coward. I am not a "talkative" person, but why can't I just greet others or make some small talk with them? Most times  I just look away or say something like "Mhmm",or " Yes". This makes me sad and angry.

But all in all it was not such a bad day. I saw "her" today and my heart kipped a beat but it didn't felt so awkward. Was nice to see her, walking  along the street. Yeah....

Was a good day.

XOXO

Let me fly

Are you going to set me free?

Are you going to let me fly where I want? Are you leaving me finally? You were my best friend and you were the one who let me feel so much pain that I nearly died, you tortured me for so long. Now, in two weeks you and me have to make a final decision. Can I resist? Can I defend myself? Will I be able to fly? Are you leaving me alone then? Leaving me? I thought you were closer to me then everyone else.

I am getting better day by day. I am feeling nearly “normal”. My life still sucks, but now you are not influencing me anymore so much. Someday I will feel better; someday I will find good friends; someday…

I miss her... I MISS YOU

I miss her... I MISS HER, but she doesn't miss me. She just enjoys the beautiful weather. I've become the same person I was before you. And I hate it. I am not okay. I feel fine, but I know I am not okay,because I am hearing sad music now for more then a month and I still miss her and I have become the one I was before you. I miss her so much. My days feel like dreams. I am dreaming all day long, but sometimes there are those moments, only a few seconds, when I feel alive, when everything thing feels so real. But the moment never stays long. And I fall back into my dream. My life feels like a dream, not a nightmare, but just not real, not good, no, I am really not O.K. . . .

My fingers are writing

Hey there,
i am still not okay, I still miss her a lot I still search her.  I still can't forget you but now for those few seconds I will, because I am going to play a nice little game now. I write without thinking about what I write. Only one rule, never stop writing. I will start now!

This day I Was so busy . waking up and missing you. Making breakfast and still missing you. Watching the sunrise and be happy because of the beautiful weather. You were on line and I was happy seeing that you were awake. Well so I went out to start my day and I hopped this time I would see you in the bus or at the bus stop but you weren't there. Shall I tell you something? My game is pretty crap because I am just writing about you. Please stop messing my game up. Maybe I just should start writing about different stuff. But you are in my head and I can't forget you or get you out of my head. I know there is a cure. The cure is called "people". But where are all these "cures"? When I look out of my window I see them chilling in the park in front of my skyscraper, but I just can't make a connection to them, like today in one of my lectures where I noticed again that I can't make good jokes. I have a special sense of humor which only a few people can understand or deal with. I wish I would be more funny but i am not. So what should I do? I don't even like those guys so much because we just have such a different kind of humor. Wonder how my live would be if I could be more like them. I don't know and I never will know. I am born for being alone. Today there is a big campfire here in the city but I am not going there because I have no one to come with me. Maybe I just should ask some people but I don't like one of them so much to come with me. The rest of my friends ,wait one moment, Just had a great idea I am going to ask a friend if he wants to go with me to a campfire in my city lets see. if he will answer.

End of my game. Yeah I have a result, lets see what my old friend will answer. This is someone I knew from school but we have barely contact since we are at university. ****! He is going with some friends to a river making a barbecue. And I am alone again. It is so ridiculous. So I am alone again. Another evening I am alone, it is the most beautiful weather and I am alone here. Tomorrow is a free day. No work, no school, no university and I am all alone....so alone....

Expect it different then you think...

 I came to a point in the last days. I had a pretty long talk with my brother about the world. Well the result was, that I am thinking I expected too much from the world. The world is cruel, so is society and the people, but we have only this world and we have to deal with this world every day. I was stupid about wondering how she just doesn't love me, it just wasn't meant to be. I can't force her to love me. (This was a really horrible thought, it nearly hurts me physically)

 I shouldn't expect so much from live, humans are bad, but this is not a reason to get sad, most of the humans are just strangers to me and I can't and don't want to understand them. A lot of people don’t want to understand me neither. But that is life. Life can't be every time good and great. I know there are people out who never had a good thing in life, but they keep on living. On every bad time there will be a good one. Maybe the good time will be much shorter than the bad times, but that is life.

I should live my own life. Not a lot people will care about that fact. But I am caring for them neither. One point in living your own life is to expect not too much. I did and it made me very sad. Of course you can always change yourself and try to get what you expect, but sometimes you can’t get it. I have no real friends, my lifestyle isn’t made for a lot of friends. I can change, but that would change me and my life. And I don’t want that. So, I choose the second option. I keep on living my life the way I used to live, of course I won’t have so many friends and will be sad sometimes, but in the end I can tell. I lived my life the way I wanted.

You know what I am thinking at the moment? I Just saw my love in a picture in the Internet (last Friday there was a special event in my city and someone took a photo of her and a friend)   I wish I never had told my love anything, about my feelings. I believe I scared her away. I never had a girlfriend by now, so I have no experience in something like a relationship or how to make physical contact with a girl. She also never had a boyfriend. I think she is really happy as single and don’t want a relationship. So we could be still friends.

I know she will leave this city here in at least 2 years and she will go to another city on the other side of my country. Half a year ago she told me that she doesn’t want a closer relationship because she will leave this city someday, not that far away. She just wanted to protect herself, I guess.

Damn, I always tried to find out how my love is thinking, what her next step would be, what she will say in the next moment, what she likes. If I had found out earlier that she isn’t interested in a relationship, we could be still very good friends (How I hate myself for what I’ve done, but I know it was unavoidable). I just wanted to know everything about her. But now I realize I was far away from knowing her character in the slightest. I still don’t know how her character is working and I want to know it. I am just not satisfied, with the answers about those questions I got in the last year. I am feeling like I don’t know anything about her. Of course I know her past, at least some parts, but I have no clue who she really is( I hope you understand me). I want to know how she will act, what will her made laugh? How will she react in different situation? I tried to find it out and I really failed. She is such a big secret to me and I want to know this secret. So ridiculous to know that she doesn’t care and it is so useless to think about such things. Maybe I will never know again how her live is going. So, no use in thinking about it. No use, but I can’t stop thinking about it. Still I hope she is not scared of me!!! Please! Don’t be scared. That would be very worse for me, knowing that she find me scary, because that is the last thing I want her to believe. Whatever…

A really famous german writer made a short history about this problem of human trying to understand other humans. (An old Men asked two women if they know who their husbands are. One of them told the old men everything she knew about the life of her husband( she was outraged by this question), but the second women, answered that she is every evening happy when her husband lies next to her in bed and she is really glad when she wakes up and he is still there. She may know his name and his history, but she will never say she knows WHO her husband really is.)

The point of the story was that people can never say how the others are going to react. This is somehow a beautiful and scaring thing for me. On the one hand side I would be everyday really glad to have someone, knowing this person can leave you whenever the person wants to, but on the other side it must be frightening every day to know this person is possible gone the next day. I really like this story. It made me think about the people and the connection between humans.

Ah, now I am feeling much better. It helped me to write this down.

Greetings

Where is the good go?

Wonder what has happened. Can someone tell me where all my interests, Hobbys went? I am not interested in anything in my life (except her of course ) Where am I gone? I am just living for university and I hate to have free time, because I just don’t know what to do. I am bored in my free time, but I also don’t start anything. Nothing looks interesting enough for me. Go out and meet people, a lot of people told me that. Yeah, well, but there is something strange about me. On the one hand side I can understand them and want to meet other people and make new connections. It can be a lot of fun, but on the other hand side I don’t want to meet other people. Too often I got disappointed, because I couldn’t made any new friends or just didn’t liked the people(most time I  didn’t liked them). I want to have friends, but it comes up that it is very hard for me to speak to strangers, to make contact with them. Why I am so shy? Why I don’t like the people around me?  I know, a lot of them are really cool, but I can’t get in touch with them. Maybe it is because I used to work the whole day for university and I don’t go out at night, of course it is hard to make new friends without meeting a human. I must start going out to make new friends, but I am not interested in going out. I prefer to be alone at night at home. I am weird, I know. The most people can’t understand why I always work for university and I can understand them. It is weird of me to be like I am. My brain, my feelings, my love and my life made me the way I am today. A little bit f**ked up. Yeah I am okay, but I am not well. I miss a lot of things in my life, but I can live without them. Just keep on living. I exist, like an animal, they just exist.

I guess I won't change much in the next time, without my love I am so weak and not interested in anything. She gave me often new ideas, what to do in my life. How to use my free time. Well but she is gone and I lost her good advice. Yeah I messed up. but it is okay. I had to mess up. There never was another way for me.

you=my love

I just had to ask you if I may kiss you, you denied and never wanted to see me again for a while. You didn't even answered my question ("How are you"). You just ignored it, like so many other things. Now you are ready to see me again, but, I am sorry, can't see why I should speak with you again, after you let me down so very hard to the ground. My heart wants to see you again, but my body is controlled by my brain and my brain says "nope, don't let her come close to you again, because it makes no sense talking to her."

I am sorry my love, sorry for everything I did to you. You aren't sorry, I guess. No, you aren't sorry. I know you are not sorry for anything, because you don't care. YOU DON'T CARE, but I do! That is the problem between us.

Hope I will find soon something for my spare time.

C U

Another day has passed

Hey there,

wonder if someone will ever read all this... However this day was like all the other days except of the night. I am feeling pretty good, or lets say I am not feeling down. The day started at 6 a.m.I woke up and the sky was blue and the sun was rising. Of course I was again thinking about her. So I stood up went in the bathroom and made very little breakfast. While leaving my house I started to feel miserable again. Thinking of my love, who apperantly had caught the bus 5 minutes before I arrived at the bus station, I don't know if it would be good to see her, I guess not. So I took my bus and went to my lectures. I didn't understand a word, because I was very busy feeling horrible and was very happy when the lecture was over. Afterwards I wanted to learn with one of my colleagues, but he said he understood everything and didn't needed to learn and finally went home. I was glad about that, because after the break I went to the lecture of my love and just wanted to see her. I saw her sitting between some of her (maybe) friends. It reminded me of me. Sitting lonely in a lecture with about 500 students, and still no one who understand me, only one person who talks really less and I just don't really like that person. The person doesn't fit to me, like all the others. My love was really busy writing some stuff from the board. I just thought " That is my loved one, she will be a great women someday", then I left.
The rest of the morning I spended walking around and trying to understand my lectures from the first lesson. So after that I went to a room were you can work on your own and stayed there for about 4 hours, I was feeling better then in the morning. In the evening I went to a park to run a bit. Unfortunately we used to run together through this park. It reminded me of some better days and made me sad again, so I quitted running and went home. At home I asked my flatmate a question to a task about static. then I watched the first part of the film" Into the wild". And now I am feeling much better, really better. The film showed me a way of living that is so total different to mine.

and now I think a little bit different about life. My life is lonely. I should never trust someone, so I can't get hurt. Even if someone wants to meet me, I shouldn't trust them. Never trust someone a single word about feelings or opinions. I must become cold so I can't get hurt again.
People aren't continuous. They come and go like they want. Maybe they will come into my live when I need them, apparently someone left me when I needed her (really? wasn't she the reason for my sadness? I have to admit it. She was...). Do I really need her? Wasn't it a good thing to leave me alone? She was the only real friend I had, and now she is gone... I should never let someone come so close to me ever again. They manipulate me. They can easily change my mind. Never ever again trusting strangers or friends. Mom and dad didn't disappointed me by now, but they have become strangers to. I don't like their lives. Actually I prefer being here at university on my own and alone, not at home with them. My heart took out my brain twice and I was destroyed to the ground twice. I am the weakest if I follow my heart. Just fuck my heart. It must be great to be as cold as some people are. Alone but not lonely. I always wanted to be like my love. So cold.... emotionless, unsteady, lying to other people, using them for own advantage and not caring at all. To have such a character is a great advantage in this world and you can't get hurt because you just give a fuck about other peoples feeling. That should become my new aim in life...

I know I can try but again I know I am just to weak for being such a "hard" person... but I have to try. Have to become very cold. The first big test will be not to go to the brabecue. Just to stay alone with my computer and play shitty games I am not interested in or I stay at university and do some stuff...