Where is the good go?

Wonder what has happened. Can someone tell me where all my interests, Hobbys went? I am not interested in anything in my life (except her of course ) Where am I gone? I am just living for university and I hate to have free time, because I just don’t know what to do. I am bored in my free time, but I also don’t start anything. Nothing looks interesting enough for me. Go out and meet people, a lot of people told me that. Yeah, well, but there is something strange about me. On the one hand side I can understand them and want to meet other people and make new connections. It can be a lot of fun, but on the other hand side I don’t want to meet other people. Too often I got disappointed, because I couldn’t made any new friends or just didn’t liked the people(most time I  didn’t liked them). I want to have friends, but it comes up that it is very hard for me to speak to strangers, to make contact with them. Why I am so shy? Why I don’t like the people around me?  I know, a lot of them are really cool, but I can’t get in touch with them. Maybe it is because I used to work the whole day for university and I don’t go out at night, of course it is hard to make new friends without meeting a human. I must start going out to make new friends, but I am not interested in going out. I prefer to be alone at night at home. I am weird, I know. The most people can’t understand why I always work for university and I can understand them. It is weird of me to be like I am. My brain, my feelings, my love and my life made me the way I am today. A little bit f**ked up. Yeah I am okay, but I am not well. I miss a lot of things in my life, but I can live without them. Just keep on living. I exist, like an animal, they just exist.

I guess I won't change much in the next time, without my love I am so weak and not interested in anything. She gave me often new ideas, what to do in my life. How to use my free time. Well but she is gone and I lost her good advice. Yeah I messed up. but it is okay. I had to mess up. There never was another way for me.

you=my love

I just had to ask you if I may kiss you, you denied and never wanted to see me again for a while. You didn't even answered my question ("How are you"). You just ignored it, like so many other things. Now you are ready to see me again, but, I am sorry, can't see why I should speak with you again, after you let me down so very hard to the ground. My heart wants to see you again, but my body is controlled by my brain and my brain says "nope, don't let her come close to you again, because it makes no sense talking to her."

I am sorry my love, sorry for everything I did to you. You aren't sorry, I guess. No, you aren't sorry. I know you are not sorry for anything, because you don't care. YOU DON'T CARE, but I do! That is the problem between us.

Hope I will find soon something for my spare time.

C U