I came to a point in the last days. I had a pretty long talk with my brother about the world. Well the result was, that I am thinking I expected too much from the world. The world is cruel, so is society and the people, but we have only this world and we have to deal with this world every day. I was stupid about wondering how she just doesn't love me, it just wasn't meant to be. I can't force her to love me. (This was a really horrible thought, it nearly hurts me physically)
I shouldn't expect so much from live, humans are bad, but this is not a reason to get sad, most of the humans are just strangers to me and I can't and don't want to understand them. A lot of people don’t want to understand me neither. But that is life. Life can't be every time good and great. I know there are people out who never had a good thing in life, but they keep on living. On every bad time there will be a good one. Maybe the good time will be much shorter than the bad times, but that is life.
I should live my own life. Not a lot people will care about that fact. But I am caring for them neither. One point in living your own life is to expect not too much. I did and it made me very sad. Of course you can always change yourself and try to get what you expect, but sometimes you can’t get it. I have no real friends, my lifestyle isn’t made for a lot of friends. I can change, but that would change me and my life. And I don’t want that. So, I choose the second option. I keep on living my life the way I used to live, of course I won’t have so many friends and will be sad sometimes, but in the end I can tell. I lived my life the way I wanted.
You know what I am thinking at the moment? I Just saw my love in a picture in the Internet (last Friday there was a special event in my city and someone took a photo of her and a friend) I wish I never had told my love anything, about my feelings. I believe I scared her away. I never had a girlfriend by now, so I have no experience in something like a relationship or how to make physical contact with a girl. She also never had a boyfriend. I think she is really happy as single and don’t want a relationship. So we could be still friends.
I know she will leave this city here in at least 2 years and she will go to another city on the other side of my country. Half a year ago she told me that she doesn’t want a closer relationship because she will leave this city someday, not that far away. She just wanted to protect herself, I guess.
Damn, I always tried to find out how my love is thinking, what her next step would be, what she will say in the next moment, what she likes. If I had found out earlier that she isn’t interested in a relationship, we could be still very good friends (How I hate myself for what I’ve done, but I know it was unavoidable). I just wanted to know everything about her. But now I realize I was far away from knowing her character in the slightest. I still don’t know how her character is working and I want to know it. I am just not satisfied, with the answers about those questions I got in the last year. I am feeling like I don’t know anything about her. Of course I know her past, at least some parts, but I have no clue who she really is( I hope you understand me). I want to know how she will act, what will her made laugh? How will she react in different situation? I tried to find it out and I really failed. She is such a big secret to me and I want to know this secret. So ridiculous to know that she doesn’t care and it is so useless to think about such things. Maybe I will never know again how her live is going. So, no use in thinking about it. No use, but I can’t stop thinking about it. Still I hope she is not scared of me!!! Please! Don’t be scared. That would be very worse for me, knowing that she find me scary, because that is the last thing I want her to believe. Whatever…
A really famous german writer made a short history about this problem of human trying to understand other humans. (An old Men asked two women if they know who their husbands are. One of them told the old men everything she knew about the life of her husband( she was outraged by this question), but the second women, answered that she is every evening happy when her husband lies next to her in bed and she is really glad when she wakes up and he is still there. She may know his name and his history, but she will never say she knows WHO her husband really is.)
The point of the story was that people can never say how the others are going to react. This is somehow a beautiful and scaring thing for me. On the one hand side I would be everyday really glad to have someone, knowing this person can leave you whenever the person wants to, but on the other side it must be frightening every day to know this person is possible gone the next day. I really like this story. It made me think about the people and the connection between humans.
Ah, now I am feeling much better. It helped me to write this down.
Greetings
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