Another day has passed

Hey there,

wonder if someone will ever read all this... However this day was like all the other days except of the night. I am feeling pretty good, or lets say I am not feeling down. The day started at 6 a.m.I woke up and the sky was blue and the sun was rising. Of course I was again thinking about her. So I stood up went in the bathroom and made very little breakfast. While leaving my house I started to feel miserable again. Thinking of my love, who apperantly had caught the bus 5 minutes before I arrived at the bus station, I don't know if it would be good to see her, I guess not. So I took my bus and went to my lectures. I didn't understand a word, because I was very busy feeling horrible and was very happy when the lecture was over. Afterwards I wanted to learn with one of my colleagues, but he said he understood everything and didn't needed to learn and finally went home. I was glad about that, because after the break I went to the lecture of my love and just wanted to see her. I saw her sitting between some of her (maybe) friends. It reminded me of me. Sitting lonely in a lecture with about 500 students, and still no one who understand me, only one person who talks really less and I just don't really like that person. The person doesn't fit to me, like all the others. My love was really busy writing some stuff from the board. I just thought " That is my loved one, she will be a great women someday", then I left.
The rest of the morning I spended walking around and trying to understand my lectures from the first lesson. So after that I went to a room were you can work on your own and stayed there for about 4 hours, I was feeling better then in the morning. In the evening I went to a park to run a bit. Unfortunately we used to run together through this park. It reminded me of some better days and made me sad again, so I quitted running and went home. At home I asked my flatmate a question to a task about static. then I watched the first part of the film" Into the wild". And now I am feeling much better, really better. The film showed me a way of living that is so total different to mine.

and now I think a little bit different about life. My life is lonely. I should never trust someone, so I can't get hurt. Even if someone wants to meet me, I shouldn't trust them. Never trust someone a single word about feelings or opinions. I must become cold so I can't get hurt again.
People aren't continuous. They come and go like they want. Maybe they will come into my live when I need them, apparently someone left me when I needed her (really? wasn't she the reason for my sadness? I have to admit it. She was...). Do I really need her? Wasn't it a good thing to leave me alone? She was the only real friend I had, and now she is gone... I should never let someone come so close to me ever again. They manipulate me. They can easily change my mind. Never ever again trusting strangers or friends. Mom and dad didn't disappointed me by now, but they have become strangers to. I don't like their lives. Actually I prefer being here at university on my own and alone, not at home with them. My heart took out my brain twice and I was destroyed to the ground twice. I am the weakest if I follow my heart. Just fuck my heart. It must be great to be as cold as some people are. Alone but not lonely. I always wanted to be like my love. So cold.... emotionless, unsteady, lying to other people, using them for own advantage and not caring at all. To have such a character is a great advantage in this world and you can't get hurt because you just give a fuck about other peoples feeling. That should become my new aim in life...

I know I can try but again I know I am just to weak for being such a "hard" person... but I have to try. Have to become very cold. The first big test will be not to go to the brabecue. Just to stay alone with my computer and play shitty games I am not interested in or I stay at university and do some stuff...