Its a cloudy day

In the last time I started to dislike other people, or at least my antipathy against humans got stronger. I am feeling like there is no one out there who is worthy to know. People around me are so unsteady, today one of my colleagues decided to study something else, because she didn't passed the math exam. So another human being left my life although I barely had anything to do with her. I can't see a reason to spend time with others. Of course there are a few guys I always liked to be with, for example my brother or my love or my best friend from my childhood.  But when I can't stand spending a lot time with them because they start to annoy me after a longer time. So there isn't someone out there worth living for. I am not suicidal, live can be beautiful without people, not for me but for others maybe. I never wanted to be the "sadmen", but thats what I am now. The lonely sad guy no one likes to be with, but I don't like the others too, although I am suffering from this crap.

My love was in the bus that took me home. She is one of the people who can make me feel strong and alive, but when I walked out of the bus, she looked in my direction, smiled and instantly walked away although she must have seen me. People are cruel. I don't like them. I hate them for their behavior and love them for being so "human".

I am still suffering from my "addiction" and it is making me angry. In the morning I thought I can't look in the mirror anymore. I was never pleased with anything I ever did. I am not fighting for something in my life. I would like to fight for a human, a poor child, a sweet girl, a homeless men, or a drug addicted, just someone I could take care of, but as long as I am not caring for myself, I can't take the responsibility to care for others. I dont know what I want, my life lost its sense, I am feeling like a zombie. (I am just fighting to stay at university and try to pass all exams barely. But thats not me, that isn't one of my desires. I just have no other perspective in life then graduating from university)