31.July 2012

Hey all,

I know this forum isn't the best place for this post, but I just wanted to talk to someone and tell someone how I feel.

It was a pretty busy day for me. I talked a lot to other people ( 2 persons). But when I came home today I felt so down and depressed. I don't know why, but somehow I lost interest in life. Every second day I feel so depressed for no particular reason. I don't think I am depressed or suffer from an other brain illness, its just that I put my life in a state where I disconnected absolutely from reality, from others, from everything. I am learning and studying now for about 3 weeks every day and night. I have no plans for my holidays. I really need new clothes, but I just got no time to buy some, because I have to learn. Always so busy learning, but my grades are pretty worse, although I passed every exam by now.

A funny thing is, that my life improved in the last weeks, I found one or two friends ( I had nearly no one the last half year). I have a new hobby (inline-skating) and I am not crieng anymore so often, because of the rejection of my love. But still, I don't feel happiness, when someone makes a joke I laugh, of course. But I can feel a sadness in me that doesn't fades away. Every second day I am feeling so blue. I know that a relationship could help me, but I am afraid of showing myself to others. One reason is my low self esteem. the other one is that I never had a partner. Although I am 20 years old. Honestly, I think I can't handle a real relationship, I just have no experience on this field. Yeah whatever.

Somedays ago I read an interesting quote:"Note sure if I am depressed or just grew up". Maybe I just grew up! Maybe I am having a adult view of the world now. Maybe thats the thing that makes me depressed and feeling lonesome. I don't know. But I know that this feeling isn't going to disappear in the next weeks. I just move on and try to give my best in exams and try to be nice to the people around me ( at someday I would like to just hurt everyone)

 P.S. I know this post isn't about suicide and don't matches in this forum, but someone will read this, I know. And I have no one else to talk to about this, I am sorry if someone feels offended in any way. Sorry ofr my bad grammar and writing, but Thanks a lot for reading! =)