It was so clear what would happen...

Of course she didn't answer me the way I wanted her to do so. She just asked me if I want to come to a barbecue with some friends and of course she will be there, too.  I know if I will go to the barbecue I will suffer more and more and more.... but if I stay away from the barbecue I know I will suffer from incredible pain. At the moment I think I will stay away from there, but I also know how much I still want her. Damn.... I can't go to the barbecue, she refused to answer on my question, just asked me to come on the barbecue.I know she doesn't love me and I don't know why.
She never had a boyfriend by now and I can't understand why she doesn't want me. I have to accept it. I don't know if I will ever be able to handle seeing her with someone else. It hurts so much. Everything hurts so much even after 4 weeks. Everyone has left my life. I don't want to see someone else. I am feeling so lonely. There is no one I can talk to the way I want, all the things I just want to tell someone, but no one is interested. No one cares. If I start talking to someone they never let me tell them what I want, they just keep on talking about shit I am not interested in.
I just watched the film "500 days of summer" This film is so true. My life with her could have been the real story to this film. This film reflects my life, but my life has no happy end. In the end I am still alone and I have nothing to do. I haven't studied architecture. I have no friends who help me here at university. I have no hobbys, eventually I don't want any hobby. All I want is you. Hey I just counted the days since I am in love with her  "430 Days -- or -- 61 Weeks and 3 Days" That are a lot of days. But we were never together in this time (except that weekend we didn't even met each other), we were always just friends. Please someone out there. Talk to me, help me. Hope has left my life. :( I am feeling miserable. I hope some of the people of the suicide project will talk to me. Please. I need someone...