my second day at the second term of the year

hi there,

I am reading a lot of stories from the Suicide Project these days. I really like this Forum. It is a good feeling to see that i am not alone with all my problems, there are a lot of people who have similar problems and often much more worser. It makes me very angry and sad to know how much I messed up with my life, my people and my love. But I am OK, I did wrong things, but not everything was wrong. For example I read a story of a guy who really messed up with his love. He told her that he was suicidal and freaked totally out and now his love is scared of him and don’t want to talk to him anymore. He also lost his job and is now in a lot of trouble. I did not so. I still have the chance to get a better live in the next time

Today I started working for university. It took me a lot of willpower to start. After 2 Months holidays, I am still exhausted, because I never had real holidays. Instead of holidays I waited for her all the time. My life became really hollow knowing that we can't be ever together. I never knew how little my life was. I just lived for her and nothing else. In the morning I was walking around University and felt like a ghost. All the other people were chatting and talking and I felt so lonely in all the crowds of people. I hadn't much to do and this boredom really kills me. I don't like to be alone with my thoughts and nothing to do. In the afternoon I started with some homework. Instantly I felt better. It was a good feeling, working on some Exercise, although I didn't finished a single one of them. I used my brain for myself, I worked and studied for myself. That was kind of good feeling. To live for yourself, not for someone else. Give your life meaning!

The bad thing about such statements is that you have to figure it out on your own. I read stories of people who were really in big trouble. No home, no job, no friends, no money and left by their loved one. I really want to tell those people to keep on going, but I just don't know what to tell them to cheer them up. They haven't left anything in life. But life is full of surprises. When you are down in the dumps it happens pretty often that something unexpectedly will happen. For example I got my results from my math test today and I had passed the test!!! That was a real surprise for me and something I really needed. I worked really hard for the whole year. Passing the test is a good sign. I can graduate successfully from university. There is a chance to do so. I must use this chance and I will try as hard as I can.