some time has passed...

Hey guys,

Someone visited my blog. Thank you! At least their is someone on earth who noticed my posts.
I was feeling better, hadn't her seen her for 3 weeks now, but today you surprised me. I am feeling sorry that I was to surprised to say "hello", so i just nodded at you. It is kind of strange that you mean to me so much. There isn't another human being except my family on earth who means so much to me. Even after 3 weeks you are more then 2 times in a hour in my mind of me. But you don't care, because I am just another men for you. Just another guy who lives his life on earth, no one special, just "friend". I guess we can't be called friends at the moment. We behave more like strangers to each other. So I have to accept this and I am accepting it in my brain, not in my heart." At some point you have to realize that people can stay in your heart, but not in your live" so true :(

My second year at university just started and I was surprised another time by the humans. Some of my "colleagues/friends" just quited studying. I will barley see them a second time. We were together every week for over then  6 months! and I didn't even said goodbye. Such friends from work come and go like they want, to bad that those are the only "friends" I have/had left. I know this isn't normal. I barely make contact with other people, because i don't do much where I can meet friends. However, it doesn't matter if you have a lot of friends. The most important thing is that you are fine with yourself. when   you have become comfortable with yourself, you will start live your life like you want it. I must become comfortable with myself and I am on the way to do so, at least I hope I am on the way to become comfortable.

This day I thought what would I do if I won't graduate from university, what if I fail? What if I won't pass the next tests. My first thought was: I had no idea what to do instead of studying my subject. My second one was: I don't know why I am studying this subject. I am not dreaming of something to become. Actually I am studying my subject just because the link from the Internet my loved one send me one year ago. Of course I have some fun studying, but I could study a lot of stuff and would have fun. Its just weird. I am working as hard as I can for something I am not even convinced of! Ridiculous.

At the moment I have a lot to do at University, that is good on one hand side. I am busy and the boredom I felt in my "holidays" is gone, on the other hand side I need an activity to recover from all that work. and I can't help myself remembering that last day we were together in the Park. It was a sunny day with few really nice looking white clouds in the sky, I was  running near you and you were skating with your in liners. We run and skated for more then a half hour or even longer. We covered a distance of over 10 km, we made 3 rounds. And this very short moment I felt totally freedom, running in a Park, the sun was shining on me. A castle in front of me and a very nice song from Boards of Canada in my ears. In this little moment I nearly forgot you skating at my side, i felt like I could do and become anything I want. I felt safe. I felt joy. I never had such nice 2 hours since that day. I always used to feel so great when you were with me. I never felt so  with anyone else... so sad that I messed up. but it was nearly unavoidable, I know it was nearly unavoidable. So sad . . .

Now I know I have to live without you.

Greetings from me