Breath in the future, Breathe out the past...but keep thinking about the past

Hey there,

Today and yesterday were awful. I was wrong, I am not on the way to become comfortable with myself. there is an emptiness inside me I cannot explain. It feels like I have lost everything that made my live nice and good. I have nothing to look forward. Tomorrow I will be here at my parents house, doing some homework for university and at 1 p.m I will go by train back to my home at university. When I arrive there I have to clean the bathroom and try to learn until midnight. I must keep myself busy so my thoughts can't hunt me down. Actually there is something, I am curios about. I will visit a lecture of my love just to see her. I believe I just will see her and leave the lecture and I have I don't know if this is really clever. But I guess I can't help myself. I really want to see her. The rest of the week I will be at university learning all day and night long. I will barely speak to some friends and will be often alone, but at least I am busy.

You know what I am doing if I want to cheer myself up? I am watching videos on youtube. For example the video "humans are awesome" Watching this video makes me often smile. Or the video of the "World's Largest Rope Swing" that looks great but the most impressive is "Dream Lines Part III - Wingsuit proximity by Jokke Sommer" the music is just awesome. It makes me feel so good.

the village my parents live in is near a river. I run to that river in the evening today. and of course I was thinking about my life. I remembered better days. I remembered me of the last summer. The best time in my life. I remembered the time I had with you, the holidays with you in Australia, all the experiences we made together, the language school, the diving course, meeting those incredible cool people, the trip to ayers Rock, our time in Brisbane and Sydney. I know, when I was there with you in down under. I didn't felt so great about, it like now, but I knew, when I was there, we had a good time. And I have to admit that we had our time. I mean we got something that will always stick us together. We had a past together and it was great.

Actually I think that everything that happened in the last year was unavoidable and it is fine. We had our time together, it is her destiny to study physics. It was absolutely clear that we can't be together. She chases her dreams and there is no space for others like me. I regret not much that happened in the past. Except that I didn't recognized earlier that we can't be together, maybe that could have avoided the trouble I am now in. Maybe. On the other hand side I have to say, everything that happened was absolutely me, it was my character, I didn't changed myself for you. I could have barely acted in another way then I did, I didn't disguised myself. Everything was fine, its my life I am living and I truly live it on my own way ( Frank sinatra"I did it my way") She said one year ago that the university won't be easy, but I never thought that my time at university would be so lonesome. Well but as she said, if it won't be hard, you can't be proud of it in the end.

I will write her a little message soon, just asking how life is going. I hope she will answer it and tell me some stuff about her live. I don't know if I could survive a rejection. but at first I have to see her another time.

Please keep my fingers crossed for me, I hope someday all will be well,

someday...